When things are going really well, I begin to wonder if I'm overlooking something. For example, was I talking fast but didn't realize it? Was I hyper but didn't recognize the signs? I don't worry, or get upset, but I know my disorder and how the symptoms work.

I moved last week. Four weeks previous to the actual day, I packed and hauled boxes to the garage. I was so busy I didn't eat. That wasn't a conscious decision, but one made from keeping so busy I missed meals. And if I missed dinner, what else did I not see? I kept so busy I didn't think much about it all for several days. Then the unpacking was done. The old apartment was clean. I had time to think.

And just as I feared, I had a meltdown. I struggled to find positives where moments before I didn't see negatives. Self-doubts took over and my strength weakened. I saw it coming. I had an inkling it would happen. And when it did, I fell into that darkness without a struggle.

But the second I fell, I knew I needed to fight my way out. I couldn't let hard work, aches, and tiredness win. As I poured out the frustrations of the week to a friend, I felt the energy returning. The bipolar wasn't winning anymore. I was.

Today, after a night's sleep, I'm back. I'm strong. I see the positives, the sunshine, the light.