Winning (a poem)

How do you stop them

turn off your brain

not let them win

or be allowed to remain

How do you change thoughts

in the middle of it all

maybe hearing a friend

even through a phone call

Can you lose them

throw them away

make your life better

day after day

Knowing what to do

then strong enough to do it

so when the crash is over

you know you have won

8/08/06

These words might not mean anything to some readers. I don't remember my frame of mind when I wrote them, though, so I can't talk about that day. But I can speak for now. Mood swings don't just effect the person with the disorder. They extend to family, friends, others who see them each day. If you are at the bottom and just live day to day, then maybe you aren't fighting. 

The moods don't magically go away. They don't decide to run along and leave you alone. No, the moods dig in and try to take over. You have to control them, instead of letting them control you. That's not as hard as it sounds, either. Go outside and throw old shoes at the garage. Then laugh at the silliness of what you just did. Feel the weight of that mood lift as you gather those shoes. And wave at the neighbor who's trying to decide what the heck you just did. Or, you could leave them outside and let the neighbor's goat enjoy them for dinner. Now that should lighten your mood. 

Moods

How do you change your mood? Can you switch a bad mood into a good one just by willing it to happen? Or do you need to force the change?

I've had my fair share of mood swings. And I'll have more. When I do, I try to discover the trigger and the solution. One is often easier to find than the other. The trigger is emotional, something with a deep meaning that hits me in my heart. That makes the solution an emotional one, then, as well.

Dealing with emotions isn't easy. Add bipolar to the mix and it can be twice as hard. But here's the thing. Releasing those emotions can have such a healing effect. Cry, laugh, yell, or scream. Feel the pain leave your body. Feel the joy enter your soul.

Emotions and mood swings. A great combination. 

On a Mountain (poem)

High on a mountain

perched at the top

wondering how much longer

til all the thoughts stop

Clouds floating by

air pure and clean

trying to figure out

what they all mean

Not a sound

only you up there

pondering

if anyone really does care

Close your mind

put the stress away

take some time

savor the day

7/29/06

(written back when I thought everything had to rhyme)

Winning

WINNING

How do you stop them

turn off your brain

not let them in

be allowed to remain

How do you change thoughts

in the middle of it all

maybe hearing a friend

even a short phone call

Can you lose them

throw them all away

or make your life better

day after day

Knowing what to do

strong enough to do it

when the crash is over

get up . . . because you won

8/08/2006

Binder

Today I looked through a binder with poems I wrote back in 2006 and 2007. Some were decent but most lacked the characteristics of true poetry. In fact, rhyming must have been on sale those years, because the pages had tons of it.

So the next few posts will be some of what I think are the better and more helpful offerings from that binder.

An old poem

GUIDE ME

You asked me, today

to tell you why

Yet when I did

all I got was a sigh

You wanted to know

if I could say

But when I told you

you looked the other way

You made me explain

what I had in mind

I needed to tell you

even if it was unkind

You needed me

today

To guide you

and show you the way

So I offered you my hand

7/10/2006

Thoughts to ponder

A young man, bleeding to death as we talked online. He had cut his wrist with a rusty blade, hinting at what he had done, giving me enough time to get help. He and his brother trusted me, talked to me. He lived, went on to do good with his life.

A young woman, ready to walk away from her husband and four children for a man she had never met in person, remained with her family, and is getting help. 

A retiree who hated his life. An abusive wife made his days a nightmare, with trips to ER, police calls, and court dates. He now lives his days in utter peace and joy now. 

A new acquaintance from a free poker game site. Struggling to deal with numerous changes in his life as well as a dysfunctional family. His comments hinted at despair and depression.

A close friend, working in Afghanistan, so far away from his family. Injuries that would have crippled others only slowed him down, but the psychological effects will never leave.

Others I talked to for short times, impacting their lives in a small way. Conversations that began in the darkness and ended with a brightly shining light leading them toward the path of healing. Sharing stories from my life, giving examples of how I moved forward, convinced each one of them to seek professional help. They admitted their faults and flaws as they walked the path to healing.
 
Every single one of these people have affected me in some way. Maybe they aren't aware of it even. But I'm honored they've allowed me into their lives, that they trusted me enough to guide them during times of stress.

As many people claim, we should thank our parents for making us who we are today. I struggle with that concept a bit. Should I thank my parents for the abuse, then? That doesn't sit well with me, even though I understand that the challenges and struggles I endured as a child made me the caring and compassionate person I am. Because of the hurt and anger, I am sensitive to others dealing with that same hurt and anger. 

In the end, whether I agree to thank my parents or not, I wouldn't change my childhood. I'm humbled to have had the chance to impact so many lives.

Weakness and strength

A question came up recently about strength and weakness. If someone is strong enough to counsel others, can they also have moments of weakness where they need help?

I'll give an example.

Lets say I spent time talking to a woman who felt as if she had no reason to go on. Our only link was through the computer, but I gave her my full attention for several hours, four nights in a row. She lost her job and didn't have family in the area, leaving her lost and alone. Facing life without the security she once had seemed impossible.

We talked, or rather, I talked, while she listened. I gave examples from my struggles to show her she wasn't alone. With gentle persuasion, I turned her thinking around.

The next night we talked, I had to force myself to find positive words. Then it occurred to me: what a valuable lesson it would be if I showed her how hard I had to fight. I wasn't any different than anyone else: my moods dropped and I needed encouragement, too.

She listened when I said I was having a bad day. Instead of leaving, she began tossing my words back at me. She listened when I had to vent. And she boosted my spirits until I pulled myself back from the bottom.


Back to that original question then.  
 
If someone is strong enough to counsel others, can they also have moments of weakness where they need help? 

Without a doubt. Strength doesn't show up and stay forever, just as weakness doesn't remain forever. 

Pay it Forward

Paying it forward is popular. People pay for coffee, fast food orders, tanks of gas, and more, surprising strangers with their kindness. The concept exploded over the past decade with amazing results.

There are so many other ways to help, though, using the same premise. We can teach someone a skill that will last them a lifetime. We can help someone during sickness and tragedies. There is an endless list of way to pay it forward.

Listen to someone who needs a friend. Share life experiences to help others struggling with the same challenges. It costs nothing to give someone a few hours of your time but can mean everything to the person who feels lost and alone.

Pay it forward today.

Labels

People with a mental illness are still humans. Yet often there is a label attached. "Those people", "mentally retarded", and "whacko" are just a few that come to mind. When I hear someone define anyone with a mental disorder as one of "those people", I cringe. I hear the derision in their voice. "Those people" should be locked up, as if we're animals, not humans.

Labels are everywhere. They aren't exclusive to people with mental disorders. But if you must give others a label, think first. Consider how you would feel. Then remember that no matter what disorder or illness someone has, they are a human first . . . just like you.

Tracking moods

Lists can be helpful. We make them before we go to the grocery store and to remind us of errands. They're easy to make. And when we're done with our lists, we can toss them away.

But what if our list was supposed to include the highs and lows of the past six months of our life? How difficult . . . or simple . . . is that?

Can you remember anything specific from say, September or October, something that affected--and changed--your mood? What happened in August? Did anything spectacular happen in those months? Did your mood drop to the point you struggled with your disorder?

Making that list might be easier if we keep a journal of our moods. One suggestion is to use an extra calendar. Each time you have a mood swing, or a shift in thoughts, or any symptom important enough to discuss with your doctor, jot a few words down. Use whatever will trigger the memories. Make it easier for yourself. And in the process, you'll be able to track your moods, too. It's a winning list, no doubt.

Beauty is all around you

Winter weather effects moods. That's logical. We tend to stay inside more. Darkness takes over before many people arrive home from work. Cabin fever strikes without warning. We can't stay within the walls of our home any longer. And the first person who crosses our path has the misfortune of listening to us vent.

But I find that the snow has a beauty many people cannot see. I love standing in the middle of a snowstorm and just listening to the flakes as they swirl through the air. The cold air refreshes and clears my mind. My mood lifts within minutes, even on the coldest nights.

Use your surroundings the way you would use an art book. Open the pages to the amazing views and let them work their magic on you. Feel your winter blahs float away. 

Triggers

Discovering what triggers a mood change takes time. With diligent observation, you can figure out why you switch from happy to sad or angry or lethargic in seconds.

Step back and look at yourself as if you're watching a stranger. Follow your behavior for the past few minutes. Then take note of what changed. Did someone enter the room and disturb you? Did the project you were doing have problems? Was there a plan in place that didn't occur as you expected? Did someone say something that made you emotional? Maybe someone mentioned a characteristic you consider a fault. For example, I have a hard time when someone talks to me about success and failure. I despise failing, yet I know there are times I have done just that. Knowing I couldn't succeed as I wanted to, my mood will drop from happiness to tears instantly. And that makes me feel worse.

Whatever you find, try to stay away from that situation again. No, it won't be easy. But I've discovered that reducing the triggers is simpler than working through mood changes.

Is bipolar hereditary?

I hear that often, both as one with the disorder and as one with a degree in psychology. The answer isn't as simple as yes or no. Not everyone will know their family history. And past generations didn't have the medical advancements we have. Bipolar wasn't in existence until the last 1950s. Someone older might not be open to discussing what they call private and personal topics with strangers.

However, if you look at the behavior patterns of past generations, you might find the answer to why great uncle Herman was so moody. I don't have to look far to know I'm not the first one with a mental disorder in my family. Now if I could just say I was the last one . . .

Moods

How much of your mood relies on others?

Who has the most effect on your moods?

How do others alter our moods?

Can we change our moods on our own or do we need others around us for that to happen?



The answers aren't simple. Neither is bipolar.